One year

It has been one year since my new beginnings. Today is the one year anniversary of the day I started my fabulous job. One year since I've begun the stage in my life where, for the first time, I truly feel like an adult.

A lot has happened in this past year. There has been a lot of happiness. There has been a lot of pain. There has been a lot of learning. For 25 years of my life, I was defined as a student, in some form or another. Grade school, high school, college, grad school. I look back at those years, particularly at grad school, and though they are still fresh in my mind, they feel like an eternity ago.

I feel like I have grown this year by leaps and bounds. And the more I grow, the more I see in front of me... 'the journey' is long and continuous. The more answers I feel like I am getting just generate more intricate questions. And these questions further me on 'the journey.' I have stated previously how I feel about 'the journey.' And a lot of the time I do feel like it sucks - why can't I find the answers? Why do the questions keep coming? Why does the journey contain so much pain? How can I get inexorable joy and happiness and is it even possible?

I have caused more pain to others this past year than I ever thought I could. And, in looking at myself, I realized that the pain I caused, I was reflecting from within myself. And that, until I came to terms with myself and my own issues, I can never be as loving as I could be to others. I thought I was unapologetically happy and yet, there were times, I was apologizing for my happiness.

I've tried to live much more fully and honestly. And I have discovered the power of not accepting bullshit. From myself or others, but especially from myself. And that is really what has made me much happier. That I can say more honestly what I feel. That I am less inclined to run from confrontation (although there are times when I do still run - I'm working on it). That I can work to clear away all that is unimportant and see all the things that really matter.

My life has been blessed with so many wonderful people. And have received more love than I sometimes think I deserve. I still try hard to live without regrets for life and for love. But to believe that nothing can be changed once something is done is foolish. I don't regret decisions. But I can admit, more openly, when I am wrong and do all that I can to fix it. And if whatever it is cannot be repaired, I know that I have tried. I will not be complacent.