On friendships, revisited

I may have made a post or two about the subject of friendships, but I feel the need to revisit the subject. I am a lucky person because of the friendships that I have. I feel fortunate that I have friends from different stages of my life, who I know will always be there for me as much as I for them. I never made friends easily. I've always been a little shy (all of you stop laughing right now!) and guarded. I don't trust easily and it takes a little while for me to open up. So when I do, it means a lot. On the other side of that, when the trust is broken, it's very hard to mend. I can be very forgiving, but I also become cautious.

I give people chances to show that, perhaps, whatever happened, whatever they said, was an isolated thing. I have no problems saying that I am at fault for something, so I generally (and naively) believe that others would be the same. I have come to learn over time that this is definitely not true. It takes a self-reflective person to admit that s/he may be at fault. To see that there are consequences, however intentional or unintentional, to their actions. That when asked about it, that person can look within him/herself, honestly, and see things from another point of view, rather than coming up with excuses or saying such things as, "I'm sorry that you feel that way but..." I hear something like that, hear the excuses and can see more clearly that person's character. People generally become defensive when they have something to hide, particularly when they are not being attacked.

I give chances, but only for so long. A person can disappoint me only so many times before I give up, resign to the fact that what s/he is showing is the reality, and not what was there before. People can change. I truly believe that. But it'll take a while for me to believe that the changes are real. One cannot be friends with someone with whom they lack respect and trust. Nothing can move forward otherwise.

So I feel blessed for the friends I have, for the ones who have always been there and I know will always be. I grieve for those who I thought were friends, but over time revealed their true selves. But it lets me know, reminds me again, of what true friendship really is. And that I am truly fortunate that it exists in my life. That we all continue our journeys knowing that we will have each other for support.

Running on empty

So, this past Sunday was the Pikes Peak 10K Run, of which I had previously spoken. I didn't do too bad. I was hoping to finish it at a 10 minute/mile pace. My official results were:

1:04:39 (gun time); 1:01:06 (actual time); 9:50 (pace)

so better than I was shooting for.

Race day is such a strange thing. I've only run a couple of races. And each time, the race is the "longest distance I have ever run before," and this race was no different. I had never run more than 5 miles (we went for a 5 1/2 mile run a couple of weeks ago... I was pretty much out of gas at mile 5, and had to walk a bit at a couple of points). So the fact that I was running continuously until after mile 5 was an accomplishment in and of itself. Had my knee (damn knee) not gone out, I would have continued. But, alas, my knee did give out and I has to run/walk the last mile. But no matter. I still made pace and that makes me happy.

It gives me more confidence for the Half-marathon in September. A few more months to double the distance to, again, the "longest distance" I had ever run. There is still time. And definitely still will.

I will say one thing, and JS will attest to this: I was really out of it the rest on the day on Sunday. Electrolyte balance off or something. And have been kind of off ever since. So, I guess my body needs a re-adjustment period. Gives me a good excuse for an afternoon nap...

The rules of whining

Everyone whines or complains at some point or another for whatever reason, particularly at work. But at a certain point, if one is whining or complaining about the same thing constantly, it gets very tiresome. There are certain people who believe that everyone is out to get them. That they deserve more respect or trust or responsibility. And whine and whine that they never get it. Funny thing is, the thought never crosses their mind that, if the problem is with everyone else, perhaps they should just look in the mirror.

Which brings us to the LS's rules of whining:

1. You are allowed to whine/complain about something a couple of times. After which point, if you are unwilling to do anything to fix it, shut the hell up and deal.

2. It's not all about you. (obviously addressed to whomever is whining)

I feel the need to smack some people with whom I work with a 2x4 that has these rules engraved on it. Granted, I like nearly everyone I work with, I really do. But there are a certain few who always blame their misfortunes on other people, and it wears very thin. Particularly those who will complain then do absolutely nothing about it except to complain more. I experience this now as much as I did during grad school. I guess I was hoping that people grow out of such things. That was naive, I know. There are certain things that never change, that one will experience in all stages of life. It's life, and I have to shut up and deal with it.

*Take this as my one whine about whiners. I'll shut up now.

Running scared

... or running in pain, depending on how you look at it. I think I have mentioned that I'm running a half-marathon over Labor Day weekend. LS convinced me by saying, "Come on, it's only 13 miles." Only 13 miles she says. Sometimes I dread this decision. But I have already said I would do it, I've paid the registration, and I've never done it before, so why not? Never mind that I've never run more than 5 miles at any one given time in my life... and, did I mention - I hate running. But as I've always said: I can't spend my life avoiding all of the things I hate. Sometimes you have to, as the old Nike tag line used to say, Just Do It.

So we went running last night. For 45 minutes. So a little over 4 miles or so, assuming a 10 minute mile pace, which is just about average for me. Funny thing is, my limiting factor while running is not how bad a shape I'm in - I'm actually fine. My knee sucks. I'll be going along just fine, breathing well, not terribly tired. But my knee will be screaming at me to stop. This happened at about 1.5 to 2 miles. Walk it out a little, begin running again. It's annoying, and totally dependent on the day. If it's a little moist - great for the knee. Too dry, too cold - sucky. Last night, I felt was great running weather. Relatively cool, not too moist, not too dry, good air to breathe. Yet my knee sucked.

But I have to push on. And I'll only quit if the pain is truly unbearable. We have the Pikes Peak 10K in 2 weeks. A little over 6 miles. A little over an hour of running. The goal? Finish with enough energy to have popovers at Normandie Farms after the race. I have to set some sort of carrot in front of me, don't I?

Sushi and sake

This weekend is the end of the annual National Cherry Blossom Festival. A few years ago, they began holding the "Grand Sushi and Sake Tasting" during the festival. And for the first couple of years, I tried to get tickets far too late. Last year, JS, SA, and I went to, what we thought, was this event. And while we learned a lot about premium sakes, it was not what we expected.

This year, I checked the Cherry Blossom website at regular intervals to be sure that I would not miss when the tickets for this event went on sale. Well, we got tickets, and the event was this evening. And it was fantastic. The sushi chefs who were serving the masses had, this afternoon, competed in a sushi chef competition. We were served by both the first and second place chefs this evening. There were tables of sake. At least two dozen different brands and varieties. Had we more time, and no drive home, I'm sure we would have sampled more.

The final part of the evening, which JS and I agreed topped everything off, were the Japanese drumming group. Taiko is traditional Japanese Drumming - it's rhythmic, athletic, visual, emotional... I could keep going on. I've always loved Taiko and have had only a few opportunities to see it live, and never as close up as tonight. JS and I were ready to leave and decided we would stay for one song. Then another. Then another. I could have kept watching and listening. The group had two honored guests with them this evening - two very accomplished Taiko drummers, one of whom was a founding member of Soh Daiko, the only Taiko group I can remember by name. Watching these two men drumming with this amazing coordination was such a visual and auditory treat.

We had such a good time tonight. It's one thing to have the expectation that an evening will be fun. It's an entirely different thing to have that expectation met and exceeded. We're going back to this event every year from now on if we can help it. Any takers to come next year? Just let us know!!

The world's foremost expert on everything

I am not one to eavesdrop on conversations at restaurants, but sometimes I just can't help it. Las night JS and I went out for Indian food and at the next table was apparently the "World's Foremost Expert on Everything." Let me explain - the guy at the next table was having a very loud and one-sided conversation with his dinnermates about just what a wonderful person he was. He knew about everything. He was in insurance (not sure what, but he gets to deal with people and loves talking - as if that wasn't obvious). He was also an EMT, a fireman - "I always have my gear with me... in case I need to jump in and help." A FEMA expert - "Well, when the Hurricanes happened in New Orleans, the problem they had was..." And a number of other things that I can't even remember. He just kept talking and talking and talking. Talking himself up so much that I thought he must have been some sort of stud or something.

Well, when he got up with his dinnermates to leave, I turned around to see for myself what this man of amazing skills looked like... honestly, no joke, he looked like a gnome minus the beard. After leaving, JS and I saw him running by (we were sitting by the window) toward his car. JS burst out, "RUN FOREST RUN!" At which point, the couple at the next table burst out laughing. We had a nice laugh over it - it was good to know that it wasn't just us.

One step closer

I have been at my job for one year. And at one year, there are two choices: step increase or grade increase. Step increases are automatic, based on the amount of time on the job. Grade increases are not - they have to be approved by one's supervisor. And although everyone around me kept telling me that there was no way I was not going to get a grade increase, I wasn't going to bank on it.

Well, on Tuesday, one of the managers (not my direct supervisor) came into my office to hand me something and happily states, "Congratulations on your promotion!"

Me: I got my promotion?
Him: You didn't know?
Me: No one told me...
Him: (as he's walking out of my office) Oops...

"Oops," that was classic. I was really happy, but curious as to why I didn't hear it from my direct supervisor first. Well, she came in yesterday to confirm that I did, indeed, get my promotion. And that it was her intent to tell me had the other one not spilled the beans first. Oops, indeed.

So I have taken one step closer... to what, exactly, I'm not sure. But it's been taken.

Test drive

So, we have already talked about how JS got his driver's license. As with all things that take a long time to obtain, once obtained, one generally runs with it! Which, in this case meant, JS really, REALLY wanted to get a car.

Once he started researching, however, he found that it's a really shitty market for cars, particularly used cars. Really high resale values, high interest rates, limited selection, etc... really the worst kind of market for cars. What kind of car to buy? What year? What color? The initial idea was to get a Civic EX, like Ian (if you don't already know, that's the name of my car). JS had gotten used to driving Ian around while preparing for his test. We test drove one beautiful '03 Civic EX Coupe - in nearly perfect condition. The one problem was that it was selling for only about $1000 less than what we had paid for Ian... for a now 3 year old car. We decided we should keep looking, keep our options open.

We went to a dealership to look at an '04 Civic Coupe, mysteriously selling for the same price as the '03 we tested... and once we saw the car, it was no longer a mystery. Bad ju-ju all around from this car. A few dents, scrapes, etc... but the feeling was bad. The parking break stuck, incidental parts were missing (small panel covers, etc.). JS told the man that he didn't even want to bother with it. The dealer tried to show us another Civic. No go... not what we're looking for.

While wandering around the lot, pretty much feeling like we should leave, I pass by an '04 Mazda 3. The Mazda 3 had been the darkhorse choice, as we knew very little about it, and there seemed to be very few used ones available. And those used ones that were available were way out of the pricerange. Yet, there were two of them, twins, both silver, sitting right there, next to each other. We wanted to take one out (the one with fewer scratches), but first we asked what the dealer was willing to part with it for. The dealer told us a too-good-to-be-true price... time for a test drive.

JS started it up and we had that feeling that this car was meant for him - there were blue lights. We exit the lot onto MD355. As he's accelerating, the engine is revving very high - too high... what the hell?!?! Why aren't we shifting into gear?!?! What's wrong with the transmission?!?! We pull over into a random parking lot to switch places and figure out what's going on... Yeah, it's an automatic, so what the hell is up? Hrmmm... why is the shifter on "M" instead of "D"? What we did not realize is that Mazda's are equipped with sport manual - for those who want to feel like they're in control - the car is still electronically controlled. But that explained why we weren't shifting into gear. Well, that figured out and me in the driver's seat, we took this little puppy for a drive. And loved it. JS took over after a few minutes. Short jaunt on the highway and we were convinced - this car was definitely meant for him.

So with little hesitation, after confirming that the dealer was, indeed, serious about the price, we signed the dotted line.

So now, without further ado, I introduce MAX:




Doesn't Max have a cute butt?

Update: Blood and sweat

Unfortunately, there are no updates... it's been a week since this whole thing began, and I haven't heard a thing.

In the meantime... an image, courtesy of PhD Comics:

Blood and sweat

I have discussed multiple times the elation I felt when I completed my PhD. It was a lot of work, but in the end I joke about what it got me: three letters after my name, a piece of paper in a frame which basically says that I was in school for a really long time, and a book (my dissertation). My Dad asked me when I presented him with a copy of my thesis whether anyone would read it or buy it. I told him, honestly, that we write and bind these things and they generally sit on a shelf in a library collecting dust. No one will read it. And certainly no one would buy it - I didn't think they could even be sold. That is, until I got this email from LJR:

"This is really creepy - I was googling my name to see if my new website was showing up yet, and found this.

http://www.amazon.com/gp/product/B000EOUOFI/104-2407611-6118346?v=glance&n=551440

and

http://www.amazon.com/gp/product/B000EQIW9Q/qid=1143229077/sr=1-1/ref=sr_1_1/104-2407611-6118346?s=books&v=glance&n=551440

What do you think? Any idea how our dissertations wound up online for sale at Amazon?"

WHAT?!?! My dissertation is on sale on AMAZON!?!?!

Needless to say, I was a little disturbed. Here is my work, of which I always joke that no one cares, on which I spent a quarter of my life thus far working, on sale, without my knowledge. I called my department and reported this finding, and there are many people looking into it. JS called thedistributorr and they told him that I had signed a release when I gave my dissertation to Hopkins. And apparently, after $100 in sales, I get a 10% royalty. The dissertation is copyrighted to me. I remember signing a whole bunch of papers when I gave in my dissertation, one of which was about creating an electronic copy for the library, but I don't remember signing anything about selling it. It's also possible that I did, I haven't a clue. It was over a year ago, and I was so happy to be done, that I'm not sure I would remember anyway.

A lot of emails have been sent. No one in my department knew about any of this. They wrote to the library. The person they contacted didn't seem to know anything. She's going to contact her boss. And up the chain it goes. The fact that no one seems to know anything yet disturbs me - it all seems kind of shady. Particularly since LJR said that she didn't find the dissertations of any of our other classmates on Amazon. Whether or not I signed over the publication rights, which is still in debate, I would have like to have been informed that my work is publicly for sale. I feel disturbed and violated.

"There comes a time when we all must choose between what is right and what is easy." Albus Dumblebore, Harry Potter and the Goblet of Fire

One year

It has been one year since my new beginnings. Today is the one year anniversary of the day I started my fabulous job. One year since I've begun the stage in my life where, for the first time, I truly feel like an adult.

A lot has happened in this past year. There has been a lot of happiness. There has been a lot of pain. There has been a lot of learning. For 25 years of my life, I was defined as a student, in some form or another. Grade school, high school, college, grad school. I look back at those years, particularly at grad school, and though they are still fresh in my mind, they feel like an eternity ago.

I feel like I have grown this year by leaps and bounds. And the more I grow, the more I see in front of me... 'the journey' is long and continuous. The more answers I feel like I am getting just generate more intricate questions. And these questions further me on 'the journey.' I have stated previously how I feel about 'the journey.' And a lot of the time I do feel like it sucks - why can't I find the answers? Why do the questions keep coming? Why does the journey contain so much pain? How can I get inexorable joy and happiness and is it even possible?

I have caused more pain to others this past year than I ever thought I could. And, in looking at myself, I realized that the pain I caused, I was reflecting from within myself. And that, until I came to terms with myself and my own issues, I can never be as loving as I could be to others. I thought I was unapologetically happy and yet, there were times, I was apologizing for my happiness.

I've tried to live much more fully and honestly. And I have discovered the power of not accepting bullshit. From myself or others, but especially from myself. And that is really what has made me much happier. That I can say more honestly what I feel. That I am less inclined to run from confrontation (although there are times when I do still run - I'm working on it). That I can work to clear away all that is unimportant and see all the things that really matter.

My life has been blessed with so many wonderful people. And have received more love than I sometimes think I deserve. I still try hard to live without regrets for life and for love. But to believe that nothing can be changed once something is done is foolish. I don't regret decisions. But I can admit, more openly, when I am wrong and do all that I can to fix it. And if whatever it is cannot be repaired, I know that I have tried. I will not be complacent.

Sleep eating...

I am so glad that I am no longer an insomniac. For the entire span of my graduate studies, all 7 years, I did not get a full, uninterrupted night of sleep. Not one. I would just wake up in the middle of the night, sometimes several times, for sometimes no reason at all. However, through all of it, I never invested in any kind of sleep aid. Why? 1) I hate taking drugs. I avoid it as much as possible. 2) For reasons like this.

I've heard of some strange/scary side effects from drugs before - but sleep eating? Not only just sleep eating, but gorging, ravenously. And then not remembering the next morning.

No cause has been found for sleep-related eating disorder, but Dr. Schenck says he believed that it happened when the brain confuses two basic instincts: sleeping and eating. "Those two become linked," he said. "In the sleep stage you eat. I think two instinctual behaviors become intertwined."

So strange. I would love to see what the brain scans of these people while they are in this state. It must be very strange to wake up in the morning with a Snickers bar in your hand, not knowing where it came from. I guess the cupboards and fridge should be locked up before bedtime.

What happens in Vegas...

... stays in Vegas

Identity: Sigmund the Underwear Model from Zimbabwe
Visit: 4 days, 3 nights
Gambling balance sheet: -$0-

Everything else is between me and those who witnessed it...


Addendum: I am also minus 1 pair of pleather pants.

Astrological coincidence

JS and I were in the car the other day, casually chatting about random stuff. Our impeding trip to Vegas to celebrate SA's upcoming 30th birthday, my Dad's upcoming 80th birthday, which happens to be the day after, etc. JS then says, "My Dad's birthday was yesterday." I asked if he called his mom - he had just talked to her the day before, so all was good. Then, I had a thought...

Me: When is your Mom's birthday?
JS: September ... (I don't remember the date he said). Why? When is your Mom's birthday?
Me: September 15th
JS: Huh. So that makes both our Dads Pisces. Both our Moms Virgos... And we're BOTH Sagittarians! Holy crap!

I'm laughing at this point

JS: How did it take over 9 years of being together and 15 years of knowing each other to figure THAT out??

How did it take that long? It's strange the things that are overlooked. I always knew our parent's birthdays were near each other. And the fact that we are both Sagittarians was never a secret. It's funny how these connections are there and evident but not observed, until one random conversation in the car.

Life is a journey...

... and the journey sucks. But its a lot better than the destination.

And we'll have fun, fun, fun...

'til my daddy takes my T-bird away...

Or maybe not. But now it is a possibility for JS, who yesterday, after many unexpected delays, passed his driver's skills test.

Hooray!

Now a licensed driver, JS can conquer the open road... or, in a more accurate description of driving down here, JS can try to thwart Satan's Circle, aka the DC Beltway.

Congratulations, my darling. Freedom of movement is now granted by the State of Maryland. Use it well.

Karma, part II

Okay, MS. I agree with a lot of your points. And lots of bad things happen to "good" people and vice versa. And that everyone's yardstick is different. But my hope is that, out there, through whatever trials there are, some balance may be struck. (Sorry, that bit of Eastern Philosophy that probably comes with the genes.)

Granted, life is hard. And life rarely seems fair. But I am with you in trying to put as much positive energy in the world. And hope that the positive energy breeds more positive energy. Is it wrong to hope that the good you do and the love that you give will bring good to you? And not because that's what you're looking for, but just because? That there are consequences for every action, no matter how mundane. Is Karma all that much different than "do unto others?"

I know that my life and hardships will never compare to that of most people in this world. It would be foolish to believe so. I have had it good in the grand scheme of things. And I am always grateful for all that I have, most especially the people I love. But it helps me, in some small way, to believe that the pendulum will eventually swing back when things seem to be down.

How can one believe in Karma and practice medicine? - as Cristina Yang said. That's probably one of the reasons I could not practice medicine. I would think too many things are unfair.

And just as a note: The small part of me that believes in reincarnation is sure that I will come back in my next life as a lab mouse.

Karma

I think most everyone who know me know that I am very particular about what I watch on television. Well, I don't watch television anymore... I TiVo everything, because I hate commercials. Anyway, there are a select few shows that make it onto the TiVo. And some of them remain on the TiVo completely unwatched, at least for the moment (ahem, Desperate Housewives - I'm waiting for the whole season to be done so I can watch them all in one shot). To my utter surprise, the one show I did not expect to become hooked on has made a permanent appointment in my TiVo - Grey's Anatomy.

This week's episode was about Karma - good Karma, bad Karma. Life's unfairness... how things never turn out just how you imagine they would be. How good people seem to get crap and the not-so-good walk around content. How things always seem to, no matter how long ago they may have happened, come back and bite you in the ass (or in Addison's case, the vah-jay-jay, as Bailey calls it). Or that a bad experience may have helped you dodge a bullet later on.

I believe in karma. I always talk about "karmic retribution," the idea that every bad action you make will cause something bad to happen to you. But that's the negative spin on it... and mostly something I joke about. Seriously, though, I believe that there needs to be a balance. People who have had it way too easy early in life, who walk around believing the world is their oyster, will go through periods where things are completely unfair, where they can't seem to catch a break, get a date, make a deadline, whatever. People who have been through crap, where nothing seems to go right for a long time, will come to a point where things are good - and because of the bad, they truly appreciate it. And the pendulum always swings.

I have, by no means, lived a charmed life. But I believe that the hell and pain of graduate school (and all the things that happened in my life during that period) is being paid off by the happiness I have now in work and life in general. And I know that hard work helped to get me here. And whether it's deserved or not, I appreciate it all the more, I think, because I've experienced some every negative things. And I also know, that while I was in that negative place, I did not believe that it could get any better - I could not see the positive that would eventually come from it.

I know that the pendulum is still swinging. And that eventually, it will swing back in the other direction. But the balance is needed. People cannot appreciate the good without the bad... or else they begin to believe that they are entitled. And I never want to feel that way.

Cold warmth...

... and I can't deal!! Okay, so we get the snowfall of the century (or at least you would think it was, by the way the news was going on) on Saturday-Sunday. Lots of snow... lots of fun. I even built a little snowman on my balcony (from a "Snowman in a Box Kit (just add snow) courtesy of TC). I can deal with the cold if there is snow on the ground. It just seems to make the cold worth while.

What I can't deal with is the fact that yesterday, a mere 4 days after this snow, it was over 60 degrees outside. Why can't I deal? Why can't I just enjoy the lovely weather? Well I could if my sinuses didn't rebel every time there is drastic weather change! I would enjoy it if the weather didn't turn my winter wonderland into a slushy, muddy mess. Having snow then 60 degree weather in the span of 4 days is just not natural.

Okay, I'll stop complaining now. In the meantime, here's a picture of a snowman: