Jon Stewart on...

J and I spent the evening at Merriweather Post Pavilion for an evening with Jon Stewart. I love Jon Stewart. We had the opportunity to see him a couple of years ago in Baltimore (he likes coming to Baltimore for some reason) and it was the best comedy show I had ever been to. He is hilarious and smart.

Last time around, I couldn't remember how he got from talking about the war on terror to ending the show talking about his dog puking. The transitions were that smooth. It also made it very difficult to remember anything about the show except the puking dog. So this time, I made an effort to try to remember other parts of the show - because I knew if he ended with his dog puking again (and he did, and it was just as funny as the first time), that I would not remember anything else if I wasn't taking mental notes.

So, here is Jon Stewart on...

... the president:

The president isn't stupid. I believe the president thinks we are stupid. Look at the way he speaks to us - "I make decisions. I'm a decision maker." That's his formula - I A B. I am B A. "As president, I protect the people. I'm a people protector."

... getting AIDS:

Senator Bill Frist, the Senate majority leader, actually got up on the Senate floor and said that there may be a chance that you can catch AIDS from tears. From tears. The ONLY way you can catch AIDS from tears is if the tears are coming from your cock.

... being a moderate:

The problem with being a moderate is that you can't motivate us to get out and shout our agenda... That's what the people on the extremes do. Think about it, getting all the moderates our there to shout out, "Hey! Lets all be reasonable!"

... science:

There are scientists out there experimenting with cloning. They are cloning to try to make humans... to make humans.*pause* There are 6 billion humans on the planet. Fucking is working.

I believe that the world will come to an end because of scientists. Don't get me wrong, I like science. But on Long Island, there is a particle accelerator, at Brookhaven National Labs. They are accelerating and colliding particles together because they think they know how the big bang occurred... and they're trying to recreate it. Think about that for a moment. They are going to collide these particles together and they are hoping they will make anti-matter... which will gobble everything up. The very last words uttered before the end of the world will be, "Hey. It worked!"

... homosexuality:

I mean, the "radical gay agenda." The radical agenda: they want to get married, join the army, be in the Boy Scouts. I don't understand why people are so up in arms about gay marriage. I mean, I would understand if they wanted to make it manditory - someone telling me, "I'm sorry, but you're going to have to marry a dude." Really, let people be who they are. The head can be swayed, the heart can be tugged, but the dick wants what it wants - it's irrefutable.

... his dog:

I realized that my dog has no short term memory... I believe this is what goes on in his head: BLEAGH (throws up)... Ugh, I feel awful... *turns to see vomit* Oh! Food!

... recovering from 9/11

There was a time when we all believed that we would not see light again... that there would not be a time when we would laugh again. But we move on. And slowly, we are able to laugh and smile again. Something happened for me about 3 weeks after 9/11. I was walking out on my apartment, and there was a homeless man there. I looked at him. And he was jerking off. And at that moment, I thought, "Things are getting back to normal."